holidays - raya, engagement, birth and adoption, renovation, and those in between...

hello....Selamat Hari Raya, Ampun Maaf Dipinta :)

so...back after a long break :):) got plenntyy of pictures to share...wheeeeee....

first off...

acik n didi, ready for journey back north...see mami at the back?



fight against time to finished the renovation...we managed what we can...

my daddy, still strong even at 70ish...



raya morning....finding the right angle for raya shots...

abah: tengok, sapa yang makan ayam semalam tinggal tulang kat situ....
b.cik: lepas ni makan dulu, baru raya...



but, early in the morn...
maryam qistina is welcomed to the world....




2nd raya.....
my fren getting engaged...dressed like she's gonna wed...


later..........
raya @ gurney hahahaha



some bowling on 4th day.....

errr...yea....showed some...skin hehehe




a tearful day, but for a better future....

mami, mama, n mummy...Maryam Qistina



aaaanddddd
let's partaaaaaayyyyyyy



WHEEEEEEEEEEEE

tiaxarys - my life - in review

hi ya allzzzz!!!!!!

how life? good? bad? so-so?

mine was...ok. i guess. truthfully, a lot has passed my 'real-messed-up' mind since the last update. it's not all dark n freaky, there's some color also, but...still a tad gloomy. and for once after 3 years, i've been thinking hard about my life and future. i mean...REAL hard. i'm not gonna stay here forever...though i thought the day to make that changes are still far away. but i was wrong. again.


the current life i'm living - i can still call it good, even with all the flaws along the bumpy road. but come a few month...will it still stay the same??. last saturday i learnt of something that make me think of that. no. i am not staying here forever. i might have to leave here early, and even if im scared, i think im ready to spread my wings and fly away from this comfy nest. not helping either if the nest is rejecting me anyway...


but for now, m not thinking of that...not much anyway. right now i have a bigger concern, which i might have found a solution, tho it might lead to another concern. twisted much! but, since the current concern is affecting my relationship with my golf-balls...i've got no choice but to go with this way. another source of help is also dithcing me so.......my problem now is that if this; my only one way out - another failure. then......i'll lost all hope there is.


i might have mis-look, or simply ignorant...but a fren once pointed out that i put other's feelings n wellbeing first than mine. even at the unnecessary time. mostly that time. the result - yes, they are happy...but i am not, and usually the one with more trouble. i dunno how true is that, maybe a bit, if it comes to my golf-balls, but i belive i have a more selfish reason for that. but no need to tell here :)


speaking of frens...just now i was chatting with my bro-in-law...and i've realized (again, sadly) how alone i really am. yes, i have my family; my sisters and brother-in-laws, and their kids...but, spending time with ur sister during weekend or after work is not exactly healthy. means that im socially a loner. make sense?? i dun have frens here, where im staying now. not the type of fren that i can trust, even if a bit of a secret, or to talk to, to confide my feelings...nope. my school buddies are all away... yes, Farah, Kathy, and Su - sure i've hang out with them...but...not as much. Kathy is more like a lil sis (yes..i adopted her)...and Farah...there's this one thin wall between us...i dunno why o what...but yea...i'd like to be real frens with her, as well as with Eda, i really do. and Su. thats a complicated one.


Damien asked me how i spend my time. what to tell? 9-6 working, tho not exactly doing anything...then went home, straight into my room. if the kid is in a good mood, he'd let us watch our show..then i'd be out on the sofa...if not...who wanna watch cartoons for hours straight??!? (yeah HE does..not me, not the mother or even the older brother). weekend - saturday alternately off to work. if not, get some extra shut eye...if the babysitting job doesnt fall onto me...i wouldnt mind much if the kid would stop whining every 10 mins...and listen to orders. sometime...i need to escape that atmosphere. so...i'd go out to shopping malls...just for a walk. alone. pathetic much eh? that again show how fren-less i am :(


sighhhh......

disney tween kings and queens - send it on

jobros, miley, demi and selena...

back-paddle-ing...

the last entry must be scary to some people who know me...shud they be reading my blog. all i wanna say is...whatever it is that i wrote...it's all what i've been feeling, thinking...what've been plaguing me. to be honest, i am scared myself. who wont be when they discover that 'death by own doings'...doesnt scare them.


all that...are my deepest, darkest thoughts.


i spoke with a friend, how she herself almost die after consuming a dozen of sleeping pills a couple of years ago. that's because of love gone wrong. and another friend almost lost her bestfriend who decided 'death' is the easiest way out. and then...there's those crime drama on tv... all i wanna say is...my reaction and feedback towards what they are telling me.


it's funny how i can give them advice, chatised them for their stupid actions. because, though nobody knows, those stupid actions? - constantly on my mind. it's frighteningly scary how close i came to do half of what i thought. a few - done. though, again, NOBODY know. i was....careful..not to leave mark, or signs.


so many things...bitter, painful things..had happend in my 20+ years of living. i might only remember about 2/3 of it, but, strangely (or maybe not), what i remember most are the pain, the bitterness, the awkwardness, the tears and cries, the hatred, the broken, the helplessness, hopelessness......my childhood - i'd rather forget it.


yes, there might be many occasions that are worth of remembering and tresured...but, they's remind me of the unwanted memories before or after. the quarrels, the fights, the shouting, broken glasses, swears...my older sisters leaving home...attempt suicide (hey...does run in the family ehh..)...fights again...runaways...


and that two incidents/accidents...no one know, except God...and two other person. the 2 human tho only aware of the 1st incident. the most darkest of my childhood secrets. that - if it gets out - will put families into war. might not go as bad as it can be...but still...the intention of the perpetrator...betraying the trust of a small child, and her family...i remember wishing them dead when i'm old enough to know the world. and one of them almost did, and i'm not sorry at all, unlike my family. i smiled inside.

back to the main line...these thoughts has been harbouring my head since........forever. i dun know what 'refrained' me from doing it...fear of God maybe? it is a sin to take own's life, a bigger sin to end ownself's life. promises of hell. maybe i just dun want to hurt my parents...no matter how they 'accidentally' and/or 'unintentionally' hurt me. my siblings? they have other things in mind...a lost of a sister...not that important. my friends? - what friend? no one close enough for me to actually talk to. my laptop is probably my best confidante.

i really want these thoughts to end. thats why to distract myself...i do all those things others deemed as 'pointless', 'waste of time', 'unnecessary', 'stupid', etcetc...believe it or not, fanfiction-ing really is my theraphy...in a twisted way that is :). helps me channel out the 'plagues'. when i got some idea - it'll keep me occupied, in a good way. my boss is afraid that i'll be too distracted :|...i can think-maybe not so wise - but i know ok...

so ummm...i still do those poem/poetry/fanfic thingy...not that i'd share..most of them anyway...too...personal. as long as it help ME...i'm smiling.

to my Golf-Balls...who might found this blog from my FB or Twitter... You probably care, or doesnt, or i dunno what...just wanna say...sorry.

another day another heart drama...

bitter awakening. frightening discovery. ruthless ignorance. silent utterance. painful dismissal. deafening awkwardness.

i need a breather..need to get this all out. i need some time alone...get all this sorted out. they say life is full of colors...i say life is plain grey. they say live with love...i say love hates me.

this ain't cool, it's downright stupid. so totally free, yet got chained up. memory served cold, shivering in bitterness. you are there, but am i invisible? they are here, looking right through me. grasping the lifeline, the line snapped loose. i'm walking down the way, the rest passing in the spot of blur. i am scared, that i will truly give up. when the life has no more meaning, if by all mean just to live a pointless life.



a frightening discovery, that my life have no value. sermons on life fell on deaf ears. my heart frozen in ice, locked. self-conscious keep me sane, at least for awhile more. shocking terror that i'm not afraid of ending it all. what i would do? i might not wanting to see tomorrow, for fear of another failure, another heartbreak.


this ain't cool, just plain stupid. my mind is messed-up, i'm sure of that. living separately, yet in the same existence, my mind, my soul, myself.



another day tomorrow? or so we'll see.......